So…now I am over here…in this world where beauty is truly abounding. It is everywhere. I realize that I may sound a bit crazy…and I’m fine with that. Over here, though, I must tell you there are so many things I’ve missed that I can’t possibly articulate every one of them.
It’s not just about people being beautiful…everything is. Colors seem to pop a bit brighter. Time seem to pass more slowly. I think because I’m taking the time to really observe the people and things that show up, I feel a greater sense of calm. I’m not in a hurry.
One thing I have noticed, as I look back on the other side, was the amount of negative self-talk I still had rumbling around inside my head. Over here on this side, I may see it, but I’m not the one saying it.
The first couple of weeks without make up…should really be no big deal. But for me…they were masking a lot of my insecurities around growing older, looking unattractive, not being somehow appealing to the opposite gender. It’s funny…I would never have known how many of these thoughts were still taking my self-worth hostage if I hadn’t NOT worn the make up. I really thought I had eliminated all of these. I have worked very hard since my early 30’s to hone in on my negative self-talk and try to put an end to it…but what I didn’t know is the secret talk going on underneath…the talk that was hiding in there.
Here were some of those thoughts that showed up. (I find it interesting that they came in the form of ‘YOU” instead of I. What’s also interesting is that not a one of these statements is necessarily negative, but I took it as such when I heard them in my head. So when I heard them…there was a shaming tone that went along with them.)
“Oh you look like a mess.”
“Oh my God, you look tired.”
“You look so frail…so thin.”
“You look so old.”
“I just want to get this whole thing over.”
“Why does this matter? I think you should give up. It’s no big deal. Just wear the make-up. This is stupid.”
What a revelation for me. I’m in the business of helping girls see and eliminate negative self-talk as part of helping them know and feel their self-worth (of course we aren’t trying to achieve perfection here…we are probably always going to have some negative self-talk…we are human after all. )
I’ve never been afraid of feeling uncomfortable. Of course, like most people, I have been afraid of going into spaces unknown to me, but I do admit that I am also a bit excited by it. I’ve learned, over the course of my lifetime (sometimes not by choice) that whenever I’m touching something that is uncomfortable or scary (even just a little) there is always something soon to reveal itself…a breakthrough comes. I knew before I started this whole thing that, while on the outside it looked shallow, silly and unimportant in the big scheme of life, that for me…this woman…writing to you right now…it would be something that might possibly take me to a whole new level of awareness.
There have been a lot of writings around a concept known as “the dark night of the soul.” I’m beginning to see that this journey…this simple little conversation…may be a bridge from the world as I’ve known it…to something different…new…evolved.
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I’m starting to get really excited.