Day 25: Autumn Pulls Me In

I feel autumn.  The obvious signs of its approach are not yet here.  Leaves aren’t turning and the temperature isn’t dropping, but I feel it.  Maybe it’s how the rays of sunlight fall just a bit more angularly at sunrise and sunset or the tease of a crispness in her air that whispers of her coming.

The longer I am here, the more I love leaning into the melancholy this season brings.  There is a peace in the richness of her.  She is mellow and persuasive as she gently pulls me to her…with both a comfort and a tinge of sorrow.  I feel a sense of “settling in”…literally falling into her arms and the sweetness that brings of my slowing down, wandering inward and knowing that I am safe as she transitions me to winter.  Knowing that something new is coming, but finding peace in not knowing what or precisely when it will arrive.

My birthday is in September.  Every September, Freedom Park, a park in my hometown of Charlotte, hosts its annual Festival in the Park.  I went every year, but this particular year, the year of my 13th birthday, I met up with David and a few of his friends.  I remember our sharing the sickly sweet left over pink cotton candy one of my friends bought and couldn’t finish, the sticky and grainy residue of it on our fingers, but he and I held hands anyway.  Our palms stuck to the other, our fingers woven together like the soft loops laced together in those old potholders we used to make at camp.  We laughed at the juggling clowns, even though I was too embarrassed to tell him how afraid I was.  Their painted on smiles and the unsettledness of not knowing what was truly on the other side of that big red smile and nose.   He bought me a helium balloon and tenderly tied it to my delicate girl-wrist. We walked around the pond’s edge together, holding hands, laughing…when it happened.

He kissed me.

His friends were close by but knew enough to give us this moment…they kicked the dirt and laughed too loud while we kissed. A fumbling kind of kiss, neither of us sure why we were or how long to stay there.  It wasn’t yet clear to us what people do with their arms and hands while they kiss…and that darn balloon…it kept bumping into the sides of our heads…the taste of cotton candy again…the sweetness of it on our lips and of this memory as I recall it now.   I remember feeling the sense that something was floating away…an innocence perhaps…I didn’t meet it with regret or anxiety…but did note it…aware that something was changing…unafraid of what was to come but knowing that something was.

Later on that night, just for the fun of it, we broke the string that held the balloon to my wrist and let it go…watched the balloon float up to heaven…trying to see it until we could see it no more.

My mother’s birthday is in September.  She looked like autumn.  Her hair was a muted shade of red…hints of silver growing in with each passing year.  She lived in that open space of fall…the older she got the more surrendered she became to her body’s aging and the joy of it…not knowing what might come in a day…letting go of control and finding peace in that.   The day before she died, my daughter and I visited her.  My mom was napping on her bed…her hands gently folded across her chest.  Helen, only three then, commented quite nonchalantly.  “She looks dead.”  My mother jumped up, awakened briskly, in that funny in-between  sleep and awake space, to shout rapidly as she shook her head. “I’m not dead.  I’m okay.  It’s okay.”  We all laughed really hard.

School starts in autumn.  There is, of course, the annual journey to Target for school supplies…make a day of it…buy some clothes and eat lunch on the way there.   Fall is like that for me…a clearing away of everything on my desk, in my life…a chance to pull out the new notebooks, pens and pencil cases.  Open the spiral notebook, each sheet of lined paper, empty for now, unwritten waiting for something…something to reveal itself in that nothingness.

I love autumn. Find joy in its melancholy…to feel it so deeply…down in my bones.  The permission to retreat, hibernate a little and feel empty…feel the something of feeling nothing…just because I do.

6 thoughts on “Day 25: Autumn Pulls Me In

  1. That’s as good as Tommy Tomlinson!

    I remember crossing the rope bridge over the Freedom Park lake during festival in the Park. My birthday is Sept also and I can’t wait for fall!!

  2. Molly,
    Today, I finally took a moment to read your post entitled, “Day 25: Autumn Pulls Me In”.

    To me your story is both sweet and precious, both literally and figuratively. I mean that with only the highest degree of respect!

    Fall happens to be one of my all-time favorite seasons. Just have a look at my complexion & red hair and anyone will see that I was meant to become nestled into the magic of the season. But that’s me and this story is about you.

    First and foremost, whenever I read your writings, I am ALWAYS in awe. With that it’s quite obvious to me that you connected with your inner feelings in a very big way at some point in your life. I think that you’ll agree with me when I say, “Not everybody will.” I feel for those people.

    THE first kiss and the associated awakening that occurs IS the definition of magic. If anyone ever disputes that fact then they may very well have missed one of the single most pivotal moments in life itself. Holding hands w/sticky intertwined fingers, the taste and aroma of cotton candy and the dull thumping of a latex balloon sum it up well.

    I happen to KNOW that your mother holds a deep appreciation close to her heart for all things Molly, each and every day. One might wonder, “How does he know that?” Well, I know because your mom’s inside of you. It’s a good thing too because she can help carry the peace and harmony that is Molly, the Molly Barker we all know and love. ~Peace~

  3. I find that I can breath again in autumn.

    The world is preparing for slumer, but there’s something on the air that makes me feel alive again. We hide in winter, from the cold and snow and we grumble in spring (at least in eastern Canada) because the weather’s ALWAYS bad and we crash everything we could imagine doing into summer because we Must! Make! Memories!

    but autumn is special. Life reverts back to schedule, family tunes back into each other. The barbecues and beer and spalshy pools get packed away. As a mom, now, I feel like I’m preparing for winter. I gut the closets and get totally organized. But even as a kid, I always loved it.

    Autumn is my favourite.

  4. It is early early morning and I can hear the leaves dancing in the wind outside my window in the dark…soon I will be raking those same leaves up into piles for jumping in…it is nice to listen to them dance for now. Thank you for your post…without it I would have lain in bed hearing a dozen or two thoughts swirling around…instead I am filled with peace listening to the dance.

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