Wandering Through Nothingness

A Little Something from Molly Barker

Jan 27

The Naked Face Project

by wanderingthroughnothingness

I know that today…my life is changed.  I’m not sure I will ever be able to go back, maybe I won’t want to…but to me this is a big deal…I’m shifting.  I’m beginning to see what I’ve tried not to…and it’s scary…if I look at it from the big picture.  So here goes.

Every once in a while someone comes along and you know, from the get-go, you were meant  to meet them.

Caitlin Boyle is one of those people in my life.  If you don’t know who Caitlin Boyle is, please take a minute and get to know her.  The quickest way to do that is go to her blog www.healthytippingpoint.com or www.operationbeautiful.com.

I met Caitlin about two years ago when she moved to Charlotte.  We went to lunch.  We were friends…immediately.  Since that time, she has been a Girls on the Run coach, run a marathon, done a triathlon, written three books, been on the Today Show and gotten pregnant.

Recently we went for coffee.  We began to speak of our work around beauty, gender, stereotypes, negative self-talk, cultural norms and 8 year old girls.  (Not necessarily in that order, but more like…all bunched up together.)

Caitlin:  What do you say to one of your little GOTR Girls when she asks you why you wear make up…or why you highlight your hair?

Molly:  Because I like the way it looks, I guess.

Caitlin:  I say something like, “Because it’s fun” or “I like to.”  But what would you say Molly, if you were really honest.

Molly:  (I stopped to think about my HONEST answer and I admit it took me a while because I’ve never really thought about why, exactly, I highlight my hair, wear make up or…add this ritual to the list…shave my legs.)  My honest answer?  I feel incomplete without it.  I think it makes me look younger and I guess I think younger is prettier, better somehow…and in our culture more powerful.

YUCK!  Hypocrite…I hear myself say inside. How many hundreds, maybe thousands of times, have I looked an 8 year old girl directly in the eye, held her hands in mine, and told her “You are beautiful just the way you are.”

We pause…she and I have built our entire lives around authenticity…using our experiences, thoughts, time and intelligence…to transform cultural norms around beauty and gender…to help little girls and big girls, alike, see that they are beautiful just the way they are…that beauty really is an inside job…that when we love the BIG US on the inside, the outside will, as an outcome, be loved too!  Our power is in our authenticity and our strength of character.

We remain silent.

Caitlin:  Wonder what it would be like to be able to answer those girls honestly…to say precisely why we do these things.  To know what it is like to NOT do those things so we can say with certainty that we chose them.

Molly:  Liberating.

Caitlin:  Scary as hell.

We smile…both of us that kind of devilish smile that comes to one’s face when both fear and joy occupy the same thought.

Caitlin:  Let’s do it.  Let’s go sixty days without using any beauty products or girl-woman-only products.  No shaving, no tweezing, no highlighting, no high heels, no skinny jeans, no smelly lotions, no make-up, no padded or push-up bras.  No flatiron, curler, hairdryer.

We pause.  I look at her.  She looks at me.

Molly:  I’m training for a triathlon.  I’ll be in the gym AND the pool.  I won’t be shaving.  That’s gross. I’ve got a ton of speaking engagements, media opportunities.  I will be in front of large crowds of people, the media, photos taken.  I can’t do it.  (I’m smiling the whole time I say this.)

Caitlin:  I’ve got a book coming out…If I’m lucky I’ll be back on the Today Show…no makeup.  My hormone-riddled-pregnant-teenager-all-over-again face will show.

And so here we are…two days out from experiencing life in a way that I have never known…or at least not known since I was 11.  I started highlighting my hair, the summer of 1972 with lemon juice.  I do not know what color my hair is.

I began shaving my legs, wearing make up and using a padded/cuppy bra in seventh grade.  I don’t think I can honestly say, that I’ve gone one full week without wearing what my daughter, when she was a little girl, used to call sassy shoes, sassy pants or sassy shirts…sassy is code for high heel, tight and most of the time uncomfortable.  It’s just been a part of my southern DNA.   Sure…a few days without playing by the “fashion rules” so what?  But three months, continuing my professional and personal (dating, parenthood, social) life…what might happen?

We are both here to shout it out from the mountain top, that we are not suggesting any of these things are wrong.  What we are suggesting is why?  Why do women potentially and occasionally permanently damage their feet, calves, achilles from wearing heels?  Why do women wear make-up…like really why?

Why do we highlight our hair?  Why do we think that wearing sassy clothes makes us sassy?  Might we discover our sexuality/sensuality is more of a “be” kind of thing rather than a “how we look” kind of thing?  Does looking younger really matter?  Have we ever tried just being what we are…looking like how we really look…naked face, open eyes and totally free to be as we are with the world around us…not just some of the time, but all of the time?

I’m also not trying to trivialize the plight of women from around the world.  Women in so many areas of the world don’t have the luxury of this conversation.  They are concerned with living another day…to see another day…simply because they are a woman.  But I wonder if on some very simple level…maybe even deeply within our molecular connection…we don’t all cry out a little anytime we give in to any systemic view that (may) limit us.

I guess it all comes down to the question under all the easy questions which is…what is THAT line you simply won’t cross?  Is it wearing heels?  Is it accentuating your breasts with a padded bra?  Is it highlighting your hair?  Is it Botox?  Is it breast implants?  Is it plastic surgery? Is it connected to what is appropriate sexual behavior and what is not?  Is it woven into your religious, political, familial beliefs?  Is there a line in your life that others have set for you…a line over which you have no control?  What is the line you simply won’t cross and why do we choose things on this side as “okay” versus things on that side as not?  What are our justifications, rationalizations to do what we do and aren’t those availalbe no matter where you draw the line?  Why is one line right and another NOT right?  Genital mutilation, an accepted feminine ritual in several nations, is an extreme form of systemic predjudice as far as I’m concerned, but might plastic surgery be considered an extreme form by some naturalists?

It is a very complicated conversation and can rightly so, be a hot topic for many people.

I have no idea what the outcome of this sixty day journey will be, but I do know that I will be digging deeply into some things that potentially frighten me…like looking older, somehow seeming less sexual/sensual/desirable, not feeling complete or professionally buttoned up.  But on the other hand, everytime in my life I have let something go, something else has come into my life. Something positive, rich and fulfilling.

Naked Faced

I told my daughter about this adventure and her response…”Maybe I will finally get to school on time.  Besides, I’ve told you for years (she is 13 now) that you don’t need to do all that stuff anyway.”

My 16 year old son was totally grossed out.  The body hair thing…well…let’s just say he could hardly imagine it.  “Don’t pick me up at school.” I think he was kidding, but I’m not sure.

Caitlin and I will be chronicling our journey on our blogs with our words, some photographs and video footage.  We have NO idea where any of this will push or pull us…but I do know, without a doubt that when it is all said and done, I can begin my response to a little 8 year old when she asks, “Why do you do that?” with “I choose to do this because….”  What rounds out the sentence will be what I think Caitlin and I will discover.

I wonder if we aren’t making a bigger statement here than just exploring the American beauty landscape.  Might we learn that all of these feminine/gender/beauty/sexual stereotypes connect us, in some way, to our sisters across the globe…that by exploring these beauty “handcuffs” or” treats” :) …this simple, little, nearly-superficial-relative-to-their-plight-experiment might in some way be encouraging a woman from across the world to explore HER’S.  What is the line she will no longer allow…what choices does SHE make or buy into that limit her potential and which ones does she avoid that may enhance it?  What will we stand for together and what will we stand AGAINST?  How does returning to the beauty, child-like curiosity and the unfiltered view of the 8 year old girl impact us all…whether we live here or in another nation?

I just want to feed my curiosity…explore what is unknown.  But could I possibly, by being curious within the small space I live,  in reality, be encouraging my sisters, far, far away  to be curious as well.  I want to as one girl in Girls on the Run put it so beautifully, Be the Boss of My Own Brain.

I’d love for you to join us, share in the journey.  We start February 1st and go ALL the way through April 1st.

To join in the conversation add your remarks here or go to our Facebook page.  The Naked Face Project.  You will also find everything you need to know about what’s going on, as well as our essays chronicling the experience at www.thenakedfaceproject.com.   You can also email us at thenakedfaceproject@gmail.com.

Cailtin has written a beautiful piece for today and will be chronicling her experience too.   Read all about it at www.healthytippingpoint.com.

Wish me luck and love.

The Naked Face Project

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Jan 27

Letting It Go

by wanderingthroughnothingness

This past year, Girls on the Run changed up our core values, mission and vision statement.  It was time. The organization has grown SO MUCH in spirit.  This constantly evolving “movement”  needed some new values to explain what it is all about.  Here’s what those look like:

Girls on the Run honors its core values. We strive to:

  1. Recognize our power and responsibility to be intentional in our decision making
  2. Embrace our differences and find strength in our connectedness
  3. Express joy, optimism and gratitude through our words, thoughts and actions
  4. Nurture our physical, emotional and spiritual health
  5. Lead with an open heart and assume positive intent
  6. Stand up for ourselves and others

A value, in particular, that is resonating deeply with me is this one:  Recognize our power and responsibility to be intentional in our decision making

Being intentional was a concept I did not understand until my early 40′s.  I simply made decisions without giving them a whole lot of thought.  At times, this has served me.  Thinking too much can inhibit our creativity…but on the other hand being mindful with each step we take definitely takes us in the direction of our dreams, goals, aspirations, with more precision and often times without as many hiccups.

I’ve learned that to be mindful and intentional, I have to be fully present. Over the course of my life, I’ve learned how to bring myself to this full-presence state of mind…but in my younger years, I was less able to proactively make them occur.   I feel fortunate that those moments of being-absolutely-present were sometimes just dropped into my lap.

I’ve titled these moments of crystal-clear-awareness “winks from the other side.”  You know,  those moments where for whatever reason, you remember them clearly, distinctly and with every detail branded on your brain. Often times they occur in quiet, without words or if words are present it is the space in which the words were said rather than the words themselves…it is the feeling of the experience that touches me.    The smile on a girls face.  The letter from a coach.  The tears of a proud father. These moments of clear memory occur and can only occur when we are absolutely present.  We are with…we are connected.

I’m currently experiencing a time in my life of great clarity.  I’m in the process of making a decision that is very much an intentional one.  I will be letting go of some elements of my life, that have become nothing more than habit, default, automatic pilot.  I have forgotten why I am connected to these things…and therefore I am intentionally setting out to “let them go.”

It’s a little like something that happened last week. My son cleaned out my car.  That meant emptying every little nook and cranny that was filled with old receipts, trash and old lip balms.  I had a small moment of panic once I realized he had done this.  What if he has thrown something away that is important?  But the truth is, I don’t know what he had thrown away and therefore I can’t miss it.  Those things we do by habit…I can’t appreciate until I notice they are missing (or until I notice that I have them).  And that’s where this intentional letting go is going to play out next week.

I hope you are sufficiently teased by all of this…I’ll fill you in on more detail on Monday…but suffice it to say…I’m scared and excited at the same time.  It’s a lot like eating a Warhead candy…both sweet and sour in the same exact second.  I’m quite certain that letting go will clear up a lot of space for something else to come along.  It will be mysteriously fun to see what fills in the space.

And that’s when I got to thinking…about another time…where I did precisely the same thing.

It was October 1994.  I was at what I knew would be my last Hawaii Ironman…sitting on a rock over looking the Pacific Ocean.  I had been there for a week, by myself.  I’would come down to this same spot every morning to write, to breathe to look out.  There was a turtle, the same one, who visited me there every morning.  I’m sure he came here long before I ever did, but I felt as if he and I were somehow getting to know each other.  I spent a lot of time by the water, thinking…mourning really…the fact that I knew this would be my last Ironman.  I had made a decision to let them go and let ME go… the competitive me…the competitive athlete…let go of this competitive life I had known almost since the day of my birth, 33 years before. I was just one year sober. There had been a lot of change already, but I knew I had to do this.  Something was pulling me to do it.

I wrote for hours in my journal about letting this go.  I cried…I smiled…knowing deep down that something would inevitably come along to replace it.  I did not know what would come, but I did know, without question, that it would be important.  I was sad.  I was pensive.  I was excited.

The following year my son was born and the year after that so was Girls on the Run.

I’m quite certain that when we  intentionally let something or someone go, something powerful comes along…Sometimes it just takes getting past the sour coating.

Can you recall a specific and intentional decision you made to let something go (a person, a job, a thought, a mindset) and becoming aware sometime later (either soon after or much later) that something beautiful, full and enriching had moved into the space?  I’d like to hear about that.

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Jan 17

Pajamas in the Elevator and Other Things 8 Year Olds Do

by wanderingthroughnothingness

I swear, if I could wear my pajamas everywhere I would.

I remember when my kids were little, they had a variety of themed pajamas…Hank’s favorite was Spider Man.  He would wear those everywhere…and I was okay with that.

Pajamas are just so…loose…soft…comfortable.

I’m currently down in Tampa, Florida for our annual Girls on the Run summit.  After a full day Saturday of speaking at events in Sarasota and Tampa (both were absolutely amazing :) ) I went straight to my hotel and put on the standard Molly-issue plaid flannel pajamas.

Liz, our President at Girls on the Run, and I were going to grab room service, in her room and go over the summit schedule and make sure we were ready, set, go.  Her room only being one floor down, I decided to just go in my pajamas.

BUT, of course, while waiting for the elevator, it opens and seven of my Girls on the Run colleagues, who are attending the summit, were getting OFF the elevator, headed to dinner.

I’ve noticed several other times when I’ve tried to sneak around in my pajamas I seem to always get caught.  Maybe, I’m here to serve the world as the pajama-wearing professional woman.

But it got me thinking.  What other “stuff” do kids do that, if we did, we might just have more fun and get along a lot better.

So here goes:  Top ten list of things all kids do that we adults should take a gander at…and consider adding to our weekly repertoire.

1.)  Wear your favorite super hero costume for no reason.  Show up at work, the drug store, grocery shopping…in your favorite.  The world needs super heroes. Be one.

2.)  Sing with the earbuds to your I-pod, in.  Do this with a tremendous amount of volume.  Not of your I-pod…but of your singing voice.  Do this everywhere or anywhere.  No one is paying attention…or at least you don’t think so.

3.)  Race people.  Whatever they are doing, challenge them to race it.  This may include eating, drinking a large glass of milk, getting to the car, getting dressed, reciting your ABC’s.  A healthy dose of daily competition prepares you for the real world.  We can’t win ALL the time.

4.)  When eating out, ask for the kids menu (that has the cool pictures on it that you can color) and the crayons that go with it.  Color while you wait for your meal.  (For added fun, color outside the lines.)

5.)  Wear sneakers a lot.  The BEST sneakers are those you have colored on.

6.)  Hold people’s hands.  It IS a good idea to be sure that you know the person, but if you like them, hold their hand.  You can do this anywhere.  Going on a run, shopping, watching TV.

7.)  Enjoy the benefits of nature.  This means not using an umbrella; not wearing a winter coat when it is 25 degrees outside; setting up a lemonade stand in the 98 degree heat;  jumping unabashedly into a large pile of leaves that your neighbor spent an entire saturday neatly arranging in their front yard.

8.) Pass notes during meetings.  The content of the notes, however, is not about the meeting, but about other stuff…like what you are going to wear tomorrow or your latest celebrity crush.

9.)  Do a handstand or cart wheel when you feel like it.

10.)  Tell someone, other than a family member you love ‘em.  For added fun, send it in a note with a picture you have drawn.  Even better, include puffy glue and sparkly stuff on the paper, and mis-spell the words for added impact.

Now I recognize that if we adults did these things on any regular basis, we would be considered a bit odd,  but I do wonder what might happen…if, for the fun of it…you just tried ONE of these.  I mean really…who is going to care if you ask for the kids menu or you make a card for someone you love.

The older I get the more child-like I become.  I think I’m finally figuring out that child-like means joyful, present and alive…and who wouldn’t want THAT!

Go on now…I’ll race ya!

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Jan 7

She’s Not Fat, She’s Big Boned

by wanderingthroughnothingness

“Heaven’s, no.  That girl isn’t fat.  She’s big-boned.”  Overheard at my gym.

Do I dare do it?  The topic is kind of scary.  Actually it can sometimes be taboo.  But I’m going to go for it because…well…because I have to for me, you and the girls in Girls on the Run.

Obesity.

Yep that’s right.  And while we’re at it, let’s admit it.  Obesity is the politically correct way to say fat.  At Girls on the Run I’ve avoided the conversation because just the mere mention of the word “fat” can wreak havoc on a woman’s sense of worth.

Fat.  There I said it.  And it didn’t feel very good, either.

Merely a descriptive word, an adjective, fat is perhaps one of the most dreaded words in the English language.   (As a matter of fact, in a survey recently conducted by the Girl Scouts of America, the numero uno fear of girls wasn’t nuclear war, their parents getting divorced or even bullying.  Nope!  It was getting fat.)

Somewhere along the line it’s like this three-letter word was branded BAD or SHAMEFUL by the fashion/beauty/advertising industry and used to guilt, manipulate and control women into spending gobs of money on products, accessories and ideas that would somehow take away all that shame and guilt.

Even the mere mention of the word “fat” has become taboo.

“Shhh.  Don’t call her fat.  She isn’t fat she’s “Chunky.”  “Big-boned.”  “Strong.”  “A Big Girl.”   We are terrified of the word because of the shaming stories our culture tells about it and the people who are.

Over the years, I’ve met many, many beautiful young girls.  Inevitably we get around to discussing the importance of being “comfortable in our skin.”

“What do you think it means, to be comfortable in your skin?” I always ask.

The wisdom of 8 years olds always amazes me:

“To feel good about who you are.”

“Loving yourself.”

“It’s good to like yourself just the way you are.”

“To feel safe with your thoughts.”

So, to honor all those fabulous girls…yes all 110,000 of them that last year Girls on the Run had the privilege to share time with, I’d like to introduce an approach to the “obesity epidemic” that those fabulous girls…yes all 110,000 of them…have introduced to me.

I call it the “Just IS It” approach.  (Trust me…just say it out loud and that alone will bring a smile to your face.)

Do this sometime.  Watch an 8 year old girl.  She floats.  She runs. She twirls.  She naturally moves through space with a fla-vaahhhh (yes say it like that, for added impact) that is wonderfully and fabulously all her own.

Children this age are still very much surprised by their bodies and the amazing things they can do.  They love to dance, jump and skip, totally uninhibited.  They are surprised when they successfully pull off a double turn and successfully land on both feet.  “See?  Did you see what I just did?”  They move through space with a sparkle in their eye–a curiosity to see, feel and experience the space around them.

They are perfectly content with themselves and even more so with the minute they are in.  Eight year olds are just so darn good at “is-ing.”

For so many years, I wanted to possess that kind of peace with myself.  Somewhere around sixth grade I forgot how to “is”—to be content just being who I am.

Spending too much time, handing my very SOUL over to the advertising and fashion industries didn’t help either.  ”Buy this, try this, use this and then you will be at peace.”

For whatever reason, I believed them.

So how did 8 years old get so darn smart?   I don’t know a single 8 year old girl who spends much time obsessing over the kind of car she drives, the fullness of her lips or breasts.  These have all just been distractions, a crazy kind of obsession with the external…distractions that have kept me from what really matters, like loving, feeling the sun on my face and dancing in the living room with my teenaged children.

One little girl put it so succinctly several years ago. Think of your body as some kind of fabulous little sports car…or if you prefer a hybrid, a stretch limo or in my case, a small fuel-efficient, powerful get-around-kind-of-economy-car.

Riding around inside that skin (car) YOU are in, is the BIG YOU…the unique you that is as big, bold and beautiful as everybody else’s BIG YOU! Nourishing, fueling and taking care of the vehicle (body) that houses that fabulous YOU allows your body to stick around long enough so that the YOU riding around in there actually has time enough to dance, enjoy life, love, evolve and as our children do so well…“is”!

Get it?  We don’t count calories or restrict them to lose weight (or in the instance of some folks, gain weight.) We do it to nourish, fuel and love our bodies so that the BIG YOU on the inside, has the ability to thrive, flourish and find its way out into the world before the body can no longer sustain itself.

Weight management, obesity and eating concerns are truly very complex issues in a culture that focuses primarily on the external.  The physical way we, particularly women, show up in the world is frustratingly often a determinant of our “success” in the world.  But I’m convinced that Girls on the Run is onto something.  The more opportunities we provide for girls and women (heck ALL people) to focus on, celebrate and honor the BIG YOU resting within…right there on the inside…the better care we naturally end up giving to the outside.

The more time we spend using words which celebrate and create safe spaces to honor WHO WE REALLY ARE, the less time we spend shaming, judging or putting down the bodies that house them.  The shift in focus to the beauty within really does create a beautiful “without.”

So…I’ve got a new campaign I’d be more than happy to share with Nike.  Instead of Just Do It….Let’s Just Is It!  What do ya say?

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