Wandering Through Nothingness

July 25, 2011

Dear Molly:

You are quite remarkable, you know.  Everyone around you sees it.  That sparkle in your eye…it was there the day you were born and is irrefutably the most beautiful part of you.

I know, though, that at 13 it might be hard for you to see it.  As bright as your spirit is, the world tells girls, especially girls with a wild and wonderful side, that how you look is more important than who you are.  But Molly, I’ve got a wonderful and powerful secret for you.  Anytime, you feel less than, ugly or somehow unworthy, you can (and I know this is hard to believe right now), listen to the inner voice inside of you that knows better.

I know, I know.  It’s easy for me to say that because I’m 50…and it looks like I’ve got it so together.  But truthfully, in many ways, I’m no different than you.  I have fears and doubts just like you.  Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated that I scream and shout and cry so hard I think my heart will burst, but the beauty of growing older and living a rich and often troubled life is the perspective it provides. “This too shall pass” was an expression your mom used to always say, and I didn’t quite understand what it meant until I got older and realized that the goal in life wasn’t always to be happy, but to be content.

Yeah…I’ve got news for you.  Life isn’t always easy or fun.  Sometimes it hurts so much you will feel like you want to scream and shout and run away.  The pain sometimes will be unbearable.  But you will survive, because that little inner voice is never fully gone.  She is just waiting for you when you are ready to rediscover her.

Boys?  Oh my God.  In a year or two you’ll discover the power of your own sexuality and how easy it is to use it to get the attention the outside world tells you, you need to be pretty, popular and happy.  But truth is, you already have everything you need to be whole.  Oh, but I forgot you already know…that inner voice reminds you of that every morning when you head out the door for your morning run.  When you are alone with the sunrise, the chilled morning air and the sound of your footsteps on autumn leaves, you hear her, talk to her and love her.   But once the school day starts and the noise of the ”should and ought to” voices take over, she gets tucked away.  That’s okay.  Running will be your sanctuary, the window in your day, when you hear her and your power, beauty and strength are celebrated.

There is much irony in writing this letter to you.  I want to tell you that you will be okay and that all the pain, fear and self-doubt you will feel and that will challenge who you are and at times in your life actually challenge your willingness to live, are going to lead you to your life’s calling, the wonder of parenthood and even your serving as role model to many, many girls your age now.  But I can’t.  No matter how much I want to protect you, warn you and tell you that you are beautiful, whole and powerful, this is something you will have to realize in your own time and in your own language.

Just know, Molly, that in those darkest moments, those most vulnerable moments, those moments when it’s hard to breathe and the ability to see outside the moment is blinded by self-doubt, you are not alone.  I’m waiting on the other side…the powerful you.  The woman you have become.  Empowered, beautiful and overwhelmingly grateful that the life you are creating is mine.

I love you, Molly.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this.  I’m in California…for a week, visiting with several of our GOTR councils here as well as exploring some potential corporate partner relationships.

I awoke yesterday, in my hotel room, opened up my laptop and began my daily “check in” when the story about Takeimi Rao drifted across my computer screen.  Takeimi was fourteen years old, hosting a sleepover at her house, and along with three of her friends, experimented with vodka-spiked soda.  Her mother found her dead the following morning.

I am the mother to two teenagers.  This is any mother’s nightmare of a story.  You are home, your daughter has a sleep over, you are fast asleep while they are watching TV, they are having fun and you awaken next morning to have lost a child.

I don’t want to be morbid…a downer…but the truth is parenting is a little like Russian roulette.  We do the best we can, instill in our children the values we hope will guide them through adolescence and into a fulfilled adult life, but we can’t be absolutely sure that anywhere along the way, even the smallest of diversions might lead to the most tragic of results.

I was just 36 when I had my son, 38 when I had my daughter.  I remember the peace I felt when holding them in my arms, the exchange of love I felt with each of them as I nursed them, the long nights of their crying and my being sleep-deprived, the joys of their first steps, their first words, their first everythings.

Hank is now fifteen and Helen is twelve and I have to admit, this is hard work.  For all of us.  They are taking many of their firsts without my being present much less my being even aware of them.  We are all extremely open with one another, but to suggest that they share everything with me would be both naive and the sign of personal boundary issues.  They have got to lean into their own lives, their own stories, their own paths, their own decisions and the consequences that go along with those.

It is scary sometimes…both for them AND me.  The tug of back and forth…their wanting to be independent but afraid to be; my desire for them to be self-sufficient, but then having a fear of letting them go.  It’s not easy, my friends.  Not easy at all.

I am keenly aware, however, of the influence that my work life-heck MY life- has had on those of my children.  I do my daily best to live into a set of core values to which I have given quite a bit of thought.  (Most, interestingly, have been prompted by my work with Girls on the Run.  What a gift!) Some include parenting with an open heart, standing up for myself and others, living a life of gratitude, serving as a resource to my children, and showing compassion for all living creatures (including myself).

So much of what I see revealing itself in the actions of my children isn’t necessarily the actions themselves, but the intention behind their actions…the seeds have been planted and while they may make decisions that seem irrational to me, I feel an immense amount of joy as I observe the manner in which they handle the outcomes…the learning, the inward-seeking and the wisdom they gain with each mistake.

They are forgiving of themselves, open to self-examination and have this uncanny ability to look within when tackling issues that, when I was young, I would have sought in outward gratification and approval from others.

Parenting is challenging, because, at least for me, it requires intention…a mindful approach which includes living out a list of important values…values to which I have given a tremendous amount of thought and consideration.  They don’t just happen by accident.

And then I am stopped, frozen in my tracks, when I hear of the heart-wrenching story of our fourteen year old sister, Takeimi…experimenting with alcohol, for the first time more than likely…unaware of its power.  One decision that lead to the most tragic of consequences.

There but for the grace of something greater than myself, go I.  It’s all just so confusing, uplifting, painful, joyful, scary, loving, open, vulnerable and real.

Parenthood.  We do the best we can and hold on.

How do you manage the ups and down of parenthood?  What philosophical underpinnings do you hold tightly to…to make it through those trying days?  What are some of the values you implement to be the best parent you can be?  (or best aunt, uncle, big sister, big brother?)

Last week, Girls on the Run International hosted a continuing education program for about 18 of our current directors.  These amazing women came to Charlotte, NC to spend two days with the GOTR International staff, to hear about new programs, procedures and operational changes as well as share their experience, strength and hope for the girls and women of the world. 

I am always moved by the passion and deep love these women express for their work with Girls on the Run.  During the last hour of the training, I spent some time with these women…a chance to connect…really connect. 

I began this time with an invitation to each woman, to first share what she wished for the Girls on the Run program in her community.  The common thread woven in and through every answer shared, was a desire for sustainability…a hope to advance their “arm” of the organization to a space where the program is able to sustain itself…to be financially stable with quality intact and systems in place…such that the organization can thrive with or without their personal presence.

My second question to the group was an invitation to share what they wished for themselves…personally.  “What do you hope to experience within this next year?”

“Personal peace.” 

“The ability to slow down.”

“To be at peace with myself.”

“To recognize that I can’t do it all and to feel a comfort in knowing it’s not only okay, but GOOD for me to delegate.”

The answers continued…every woman…with no exception desired an upcoming year of deep breaths, peace within and a chance to reflect, slow down and feel the slowed cadence of a calm heart.

I, too, yearn for this.  My “default” way of “being” is doing…even if what I’m doing isn’t really accomplishing anything.  I’ve based so much of my past worth in the act of doing that I’ve often missed out on the worth, peace and power I feel by stopping all the doing…and just being.  Time for reflection, sitting within the calm and breathing in the air around me gives me the needed fuel to, when I choose “to do”, be more efficient, focused and available to the business, people and tasks which/who enter my day to day life.

I couldn’t help but draw a line between the two dots presented by question one and two.  Sustainability of our organization…our work…our families…our lives, must first start with our willingness and ability to personally sustain ourselves.  Fueling ourselves with healthy food, a healthy lifestyle, time for quiet/prayer/meditation and  real love from authentic people is necessary, not only to sustain ourselves, but also in creating a healthy, nuturing and sustainable organization.

And as I write, I must admit.  I often put the cart before the horse.  How many times have I said, “I will take some quiet time once I get this item at work done,” or “I’ll take an hour or two for myself once I get the house in order.” 

What ways do you nourish yourself…fuel yourself…sustain yourself?  Are there any things you’ve thought about doing in this realm, but have instead  ”put  it off?”  Why do you think we can, at times, be resistant to finding nourish-me-time for ourselves?

Share so that others may gain from your experience.  Let’s see what we come up with!