Wandering Through Nothingness

Why do I cry when I’m really happy?  Every time I hear a moving story that is really one of joy…I cry.  What’s that all about?”

I’m writing to you today, while I’m stranded (kind of) in the Minneapolis airport.  Lots of snow means lots of delays which means missing lots of connections…so here I sit for five hours for the last flight out to Charlotte.

This morning I attended a Volunteer Appreciation Breakfast for the fabulous coaches and volunteers in Kent County, Michigan.  (Grand Rapids.)  Lori Burgess our council director there kicked off the event by introducing three amazing speakers.  I cried after each of them spoke.  Quinn, Ally and Tiffany.

Quinn is a sixth grader who shared a prize-winning essay she had written about how Girls on the Run made her fearless.

Ally wrote a thank you letter to all the Girls on the Run coaches who had helped transform her from a timid and lonely girl into an outgoing and friend-full-life girl.

Tiffany brought the house down.  She opened her speech by holding up the pants she used to wear.  Tiffany has lost 200 pounds and did that through exercise and healthy eating.  She has been selected to serve as a “Road Warrior” by the Fifth Third Bank 15 miler.  Ten people were selected for their inspiring stories.  I don’t think anyone there this morning was surprised that she had been one of the “selectees.”

It isn’t often that I am left speechless.  I do a lot of public speaking, but when I stood to begin my presentation after these four amazing women…I was simply without words.  I couldn’t get them out…heck…I couldn’t even think to get words out.  I was too much in a space of feeling.   Tears were showing up and words were not.

I’ll admit it.  I’m a crier.  I have been since I was a little girl.  My son possesses this same gift. (And sometimes burden).  We can literally feel people’s pain…often without their even expressing it in words. But what continues to baffle me…and actually delight me at the same time…is how the tears appear when I’m actually filled with joy.

At the finish of a Girls on the Run event, I cry…often times so hard I need to pull off from the line and find a small hiding place to let the tears fly. I cry when I am happy.  I cry when I am grateful.  I cry when I am overjoyed.  I cry when I am at peace.  I cry far more frequently when I am happy than when I am sad. I’ve noticed that most children don’t cry when they are resting on the more positive side of the emotional spectrum. Why the difference?  What’s that about?

I have an interesting theory, but not too sure if I’m going to be able to articulate it very well. Let’s take for example the Girls on the Run finish line.  The impulse to tear up doesn’t happen right away.  It builds.  I generally begin the process after I’ve been standing there a while.  My take on it is this…while the dominant emotion is joy, happiness and gratitude as I stand there…deep, deep below rests the memory of times in my life when I didn’t feel these emotions.  As a matter of fact I felt at times, NO emotion.  The tears seem to be a call from past memories…perhaps uncried or unprocessed sorrow or fear that rests within…and is allowed some release when I’m in a state of feeling. It’s as if the gates which restrain my full expression of emotions are opened…all of my emotions whether experienced in the moment or unexperienced from my past…are released.  Children haven’t yet built up that well of unprocessed emotions and so don’t have them yet to liberate!

I’m very, very curious to hear from you.  Why do you think we cry when we are happy, joyful or grateful?  What is that about?

How do we figure out our life’s work?  What is my calling?  Why do some people seem to be ignited by their work and others not so?  How do I know what mine is?

Today I had the opportunity to speak to the great folks at New Balance at their corporate headquarters.  New Balance has been a sponsor of Girls on the Run International since 1999.

I was emotionally moved several times today, as I spoke to their group, by just the mere fact of my“being there.”   I remember when New Balance came to Girls on the Run…the organization was serving approximately 250 girls.  Certainly not enough to merit their generous support of our program…but I believe they saw something in our program…something not yet tapped but that was certainly on its way.

There are days, when the travel, can be overwhelming, or the number of emails, un-returnable…but all in all, I am so completely in awe of and grateful for my work…that these feelings tend to become nothing more than a glorious representation of the fortune I feel having found my “life’s calling.”

I am asked, several times a week, how I “founded” Girls on the Run or why I started it.  The truth is it found me.  I believe the spirit of our program has been in existence for generations (and in multiple forms) and was searching for a willing human to bring it forth.

In 1996 I hit bottom…lower than low…to a point of no-thingness.  Once emptied, hollow and without definition, the spirit of our program had an opportunity to breathe into me, the core values of itself…love, compassion, action, joy and liberation.

Now that I’m fifteen years into Girls on the Run, I can with wonder and amazement look back upon and see the various telltale signs and urgings by the Universe/God/Higher Power/Divine to bring me to precisely where I am now.

• My concern for Jenny…the new girl at our school consistently picked on and bullied.  Jenny was tall, wore glasses and was smart.  I could not understand why girls could be so mean and vowed that if I could, I would protect Jenny from the unwarranted attacks.
• In sixth grade, organizing the “pant suit” revolution at my elementary school.  I saw boys run, jump and play on the playground and on the monkey bars and felt as if the dress code requiring us to wear dresses, limited our access to the same play, fun and rights the boys had.
• Organizing a summer playschool for the five year olds in my neighborhood.  I got my first “paycheck” in seventh grade, managed my first budget and put together a week-long curriculum which included games, music and nap time.
• I ran for student council president at my high school.  I was the first female to win.  That in and of itself didn’t matter a lick to me, but the truth is, I wanted to create a culture on my school campus where all spirits could thrive.  I believed strongly in the “power of the people” and with the help of our dean of students implemented the school’s first honor code.
• I taught high school chemistry, but wasn’t moved as much by that, as I was by the number of girls who would gather in my office, each day during every one of my free periods or during lunch.  I believe these girls felt and knew they were safe to share their questions, thoughts and fears with me.  I honored the experience and was honored by their faith and trust in me.
• I got my Masters in SocialWork… girls were attracted to me and what I could provide them.  There was a win-win relationship each and every time a young woman would enter my office.  Eating disorders, relationships issues, battles with low-self worth or addiction issues…they would seek my counsel and I honored the opportunity and their bravery in sharing their vulnerabilities.

This list goes on…each a small wink from the Universe, suggesting the course of action, next step, door I should open to proceed toward my life’s calling.

So when Girls on the Run found me, it was just another wink.  It could have been any one of the experiences that passed before it.  I could have been called to be an activist, a childcare provider, a politician, a teacher, or a social worker…each experience like a bead upon a necklace, creating the knowledge, space and willingness within me to recognize  and activate the call of my work.

There is in our culture, at least I see it, an expectation that we land upon THE thing we are supposed to do…for our life’s work…right out of college.  We prep our children with algebra, social studies, literature and computer skills (all needed by the way), but interlaced through all that education is this belief that these forms of knowledge will bring you to a college major which will lead you to your ultimate career.

I wonder if there isn’t an opportunity, to in addition to these skills, help children/adults examine the themes of the work they have had…talk about what ignites their spirits…connect the dots and find the overlap between their first job and their most recent working experience (and everything in between)…to find hidden there the calling…the one that is perhaps tucked away behind the major, the career, the job…the calling which waits patiently, for the right time, the right place to  wink itself from the Universe and into reality.

What do you think life’s calling is?  How did you find yours?  What are the thematic “dots” to connect in the work, experiences, opportunities that have come your way?  How are they connected?  Let’s talk about it.

Why do we look so unkindly upon wrinkles? Why are wrinkles seen as less desirable than a “less-wrinkled” face? What’s up with being so concerned with “the signs of aging?”

I am enamored by the character lines on a person’s face.  One of the most beautiful faces I’ve ever seen (in a photograph) belonged to Mother Theresa.  The stories her face tell coupled with her child-like-wonder-and-awe eyes leaves me with a feeling that is hard to capture in words.  The closest I can get would be: warmth, tenderness, compassion; strength; wisdom; a life-fully-lived.

"Use Me Up"

Lately, I’ve added a “breath prayer” to prelude my morning meditation.  A “breath prayer” is basically a request to one’s Divine/God/Higher power.  Mine goes a little something like this:  Today, use me to bring love, hope, comfort and peace to the world.

When I look at the wrinkled face of Mother Theresa, I joyfully wonder if perhaps her “breath prayer” wasn’t something similar but included the phrase “Today, use me up, to bring love, hope, comfort and peace to the world.

Use me up.

The way I see it…which is often not the same way much of our advertising, thing-driven culture sees it…wrinkles are a status symbol.  They suggest a life of intention, focus and drive…a life that hasn’t had time to ponder whether wrinkles should or should not be upon the face.  Wrinkles suggest a kind of “using up” of the body and the unveiling of the spirit beneath.  I am speaking my absolute truth, when I say that I find an aged body as beautiful as that of a younger person.  Neither is more or less than the other…they are just different.

Our cultural obsession with youth leads me to question why we are so afraid of not being youthful?  I’m certain that a good deal of our fear of aging is the fear of becoming less sexually attractive, which is, where many women garner their power and sadly what many women consider as their only source of power.

Several years ago, I was walking with a young girl in our program.  It was the last day of our Girls on the Run experience together. Her name is Madeline.  She must have been about 9 years old at the time of our conversation.

“How is it Madeline, that you and I ended up together?” I asked.  ”What’s that all about?”

Madeline paused for only a second or two and then responded with the confidence of a person much older (and wiser) than her years would suggest.

“Well, you see it’s like this,” she said.  ”God has an idea…but he has a problem!  He needs to get the idea down to earth.  So what he does…is wrap a body around the idea so it can be sent here to be born.  Now the ideas inside are all really great and all really big and sometimes they are so big, it might take lots of bodies to come together to get the really big idea out.

And that is, of course, how you get your gifts and talents.  They are God’s tools to help you get the idea from inside of your body out…before your body dies.”

This is, without question, the most profound explanation, I’ve heard for the connection between our human and spiritual selves.  I believe Madeline nailed it!

What Madeline suggests here…is what I’ve instinctivelly known since I was a little girl.  There is something, the me, the what, the essence riding around inside of this body…and in order for it to shine, radiate and be its greatest potential, i should care for and treat my body with respect…so that the essence of me isn’t distracted by an unhealthy body, but is instead working in loving unison with it.

The care required is quite simple really…eat well and move a little bit every day.  It is, I believe, when we are overly distracted by the body–illness caused from lack of care or an obsession with our body’s appearance–when we’ve lost the balance, as Madeline has portrayed here so beautifully, between our human and spiritual experience.  Both are necessary, but an over emphasis/obsession on either, can at least from my view, keep us from fully experiencing this opportunity we’ve been given…this opportunity we call life…human and spirit intimately woven together

Why do you think we are afraid of aging?  What do wrinkles say to you?  How do you explain the dance between our human and spiritual selves?  Join in, won’t you?

What are you?

About a year ago, a good friend of mine (thank you Tom Lane) asked me this question.

What are you?

At the time I answered, “A Ray of LIght.”  Years ago, I would have said, a triathlete, a mom, a teacher…a woman.

I am...

Every word in our vocabulary carries with it the history of every experience we’ve ever had associated with that word.  According to Websters Dictionary, the definition of mother is: a female parent.  But come on…when I see the word mother or read the word mother, it brings along a whole list of images and informal definitions that are the result of my experiences with what the word mother represents to ME.

That’s why when I say “I am a mom” I am personally expressing one thing, but more than likely you are interpreting it as something different.  Every word carries with it a slew of additional meanings because we all have unique histories and unique contexts through which the word must pass first before it receives the meaning we are giving it in our thoughts/brains.  It is the space between words–this  in between..in which I am fascinated…where the energy that radiates from our history/perception/context with that word is experienced.  I believe it is somewhere in this space of nothing or in between where “what I am” exists…its not a word, but an experience, a whisper or breeze.

That’s why when I ask “who are you?” a response such as “a runner” doesn’t really tell me what you are…but it tells me what you do!

So…I’m not kidding…I really want to hear because I am on this journey with you too…“WHAT ARE YOU?”  I am sure that the insight I yearn for, is there for me to see.

Sometimes when I meet a stranger, there is an automatic “click.”  With another stranger, the click doesn’t occur. What’s that about?  What is the purpose behind “the click”?  Why do these immediate connections occur?

Tonight I attended a “later than usual for me” yoga class.  The instructor Daniel is one of my favorites.  I “clicked” with him from the first moment I met him on Facebook.  Everything about him resonates with me.  His photographs…his quotes…his status updates.  He is a loving, compassionate person and is incredibly free in how he chooses to express himself.

I’ve done a lot of flying over the last few years and my travel is on the increase. Within seconds of arriving at my seat, I can determine whether there is a “click” with the person next to me or not.  Not to sound too whoo whoo, but there is a surge of energy that is positive.  On the other hand, I have experienced quite the opposite with people, when the energy surge was more of a downer…and even at times provoked a kind of uncertainty or fear within me.

David Hawkins, author of “Power Versus Force” suggests that when we transcend through various levels of consciousness the vibration of our energy changes. There is an immense amount of research (Eastern healing methods are based on much of this research) which indicates that we are energy and because we are energy we vibrate.  Hawkins suggests that when we experience this “click” it is because we are in sync with the other individual and the wavelength of energy they are emitting.  We are living within similar planes of consciousness/evolving spirit.

Some might call this the law of attraction.  We are like magnets to those ideas, people and concepts that radiate at the same wavelength we emit when we share like-minded concepts and ideas.

The Law of Attraction

And while all of this explains the “click” I find that I am more fascinated with the frequency and ease of their occurrence.  (Coincidence?  Eye contact?  Do I see a theme developing here perhaps?)  I enjoy the sensation of experiencing a click and am, in more cases than not, thrilled when they occur…and often times so immediately!

I have been truly amazed by the growth of the Girls on the Run program.  To begin the program with 13 girls in 1996 was incredibly satisfying…but to directly serve over 90,000 families in this year, is downright extraordinary.  For me in many ways, I am unable to grasp the breadth of the program’s reach.

Rooted deep within each of the core values of our program, rests one very powerful yet simple underlying notion…love is real and there is a mysterious quality to its power.  David Hawkins would certainly describe it as an emission of energy at a certain level which attracts people.  And while this may be a reasonable explanation for it, I enjoy thinking that someTHING/the Divine/God/Higher Self is at work here and actually drives the science behind that connection. Why else would the connection occur or even be important?

Just as the sky is blue for reasons we can certainly explain scientifically, but  are unable to explain why blue is the “chosen color”, I like to reach deeper than the scientific explanation for why “the click” occurs and explore why having clicks are important in the first place and why they bring us joy…why they feel so darn good!

What do you think the “click” is all about and why are they important?  Any interesting stories to share?

Sometimes I become fearful of the smallest things…returning a phone call…sending an overdue email…telling someone no.  What is that about?  How can something so small elicit so much fear?

My son and I were talking, several days ago, in the car.  ( I never knew how powerful a car ride could be until he became a teenager.)

“Is it true that the only two emotions we really ever feel are fear and love?”

I have talked of this frequently in my work…that we either view the world through a love-centered “filter” or through a fear-burdened “filter.”

“Well,” I responded.  We do feel a variety of emotions, but I do agree with you, that at the base of all emotions, lies either fear or love…the fear is often rooted in the fear of not being loved or accepted.”

I wonder if sometimes rooted beneath some of that fear is also a fear of being judged as inadequate.

Years ago (nearly 20!), only months before I “woke up” to my alcoholism, I was nearly paralyzed by fear. Fear to pick up the phone because it was…in most instances either a bill collector or some (former) friend to whom I had given my word on something, but then not followed-through.

Interestingly there was no fear of being injured physically.  No bear, alligator or armed bandit was waiting to break through the door when I answered the phone.  Nope…it was just Ms. Jackson calling from Capital One Bank wondering when I might be able to make a payment on my credit card.

It was remarkable how great a fear such as this could be felt for what appeared to be such seemingly non-dangerous events.  Ironically it was eventually the fear and anxiety of such simple things that led to my “coming to, waking up, epiphany-run” on a late-day summer run in July of 1993.

There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that you’ve probably heard before.  ”Do the one thing everyday that scares you.”  When I first heard this quote, I thought that the stuff had to be BIG in order for it to be truly scary–training for a marathon, trying an Ironman, hurling down a mountain on my bike, skydiving, or standing on a cliff’s edge.

Not me...

But now as I get older and comfortable in my skin, I realize that what I believe Ms. Roosevelt suggests in this quote, is to do one thing each day that challenges us to lose our fear of not being loved…to do the one thing that holds us back from the understanding, belief and knowledge, that we are wonderful, adequate and loved even though we may have to say the no, admit we are behind in our bills or confront a friend.

Maybe its through working through the small stuff, where we feel our own worth, develop strength and a relationship of love with ourself and our Higher Power.

What small actions elicit a fear response in you?  What does this say about a potential area of growth for you?  How have you overcome your fears?  Let’s talk about it.

So…who or what decided the color scheme of the universe?  How did he/she/it land on certain colors for certain venues? The question isn’t… why is the sky blue…but why is blue the color chosen (for lack of a better word) for the color of the sky?

Alright…so after the heavy of yesterday, let’s wander somewhere a bit more in the space of nothing and perhaps uplifting…I was driving to work this morning and the most beautiful robin-egg-blue sky began to emerge from beneath the cloak of night’s sky.  Slowly the sun tickled its way across the dark and the blue of day began.

It was a very peaceful drive.

I was a Science teacher in my first work-life.  I am (many people find this surprising) a Chemistry Major and taught High School Chemistry and Biology for several years before I went back to graduate school and got a Masters in Social Work.  I’ve always been fascinated with science…and at a much deeper level…the miracles of science and how everything is magically conspiring in favor of the environment,  if we just stay out of the way.  Every single process that keeps our bodies running is perfect…down to the smallest detail.  (Other than, surprisingly the tail bone.  As I recall, the tail bone is the one remaining part of our body that has no purpose other than to occasionally remind us of why we don’t pull a chair out from underneath somebody.  I think the appendix may have also been a leftover, from our evolving bodies, that we don’t really need anymore. )

Now, anyone can research the scientific reasons for WHY the sky is blue…but my question is why it is BLUE…WHY is that the color it is.  In other words, when all of this (whatever THIS is) was dreamed up/created/planned/big bang-made, why were the various colors in nature the ones we ended up with?

Is all of this accidental?  Researchers who study color have determined that color has various effects on our moods and the actual physiological workings of the brain.

Is it any coincidence that blue, the color of the sky, stimulates clear thought,  calms the mind and aids in concentration? Consequently it is serene and mentally calming.

Green surrounds us in plant life and  strikes the eye in such a way as to require no adjustment whatsoever.  It is, therefore, restful. Being in the center of the spectrum, green stimulates balance.

While we are certainly surrounded by a multitude of additional colors, these two in particular strike me as the predominant colors in nature. (Of course, reds, violets and yellows tossed in through flowers, sunsets and other beautiful and naturally occurring phenemonon create pysciological responses…which more often than not.. lead to stronger emotional reactions.  I mean we do have to get excited and inspired every once in a while.)

So is it therefore NOT coincidence that the sky is blue and our plant life is green…the Divine’s attempt to keep us calm, peaceful and centered?  Are there some “interior” (or rather exterior) design plans we are unaware of, but that are clearly part of the bigger picture?

What do you attribute sky color to besides the scientific reasons for it?  Why blue?  What do you think?  If you are up for it…ask your children and see what they say?  Have you ever even thought about it?  Have some fun with it! Let’s see how we think on this one…